Conflict Resolution 2: Attitude Adjustments
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Attitude might not exactly be everything when dealing with conflict management, but it sure plays a big part. The most productive attitude in addressing disputes, especially in the initial stages, is one of letting go of resentment toward the other party. Regardless of what events have transpired, or what emotions have been riled up, trying to remain in the present, as psychologists love to say, will ensure a more peaceful interaction and result. This involves conscientiously focusing on the present situation and not on old feelings and suspicions, regardless of how valid they are or how tempting it is to ruminate over them.
Dredging up problems from the past will only complicate the situation at hand. Trying to prove past points is not only moot, but a recipe for failure. If the other party brings up past problems, shortcomings, or former poor attitudes, be vigilant in making a smooth shift back to the facts and data regarding the current situation. Some venting and fuming over past incidents is to be expected. However, until the current issues are essentially agreed upon, progress toward a current plan of action will stall.
One positive technique to resolve conflict in its initial stages is the “When You Do____ , I/We Feel” statement. This means commenting on how you feel when the other party engages in a specific behavior or activity. It reduces the potential for the other party to feel attacked or accused. In other words, you state the facts in terms of how their actions affect your feelings and not by assigning blame. For example:
Example A. CORRECT: "When you do system A instead of system B, we feel that quality is compromised." (Statement of fact)
Example B: INCORRECT: "When you use system A instead of system B, quality is compromised." (Blame)
When you don’t use the word "I" or "we", the statement essentially puts the other party on the defensive (Example B). In one case, you are honestly stating your feelings about poor quality. In the other case, you are blaming them for poor quality. The last thing you want is to put the other party on the defensive in the early stages of conflict management. Remember, they can just as easily get your defenses up. Blaming will result in a stalled negotiation, if not worse, and will reinforce the past negative feelings that you are attempting to overcome.
Try this attitude and technique sometime in a simple, neutral situation-you might be surprised with the results.
Ian
Attitude might not exactly be everything when dealing with conflict management, but it sure plays a big part. The most productive attitude in addressing disputes, especially in the initial stages, is one of letting go of resentment toward the other party. Regardless of what events have transpired, or what emotions have been riled up, trying to remain in the present, as psychologists love to say, will ensure a more peaceful interaction and result. This involves conscientiously focusing on the present situation and not on old feelings and suspicions, regardless of how valid they are or how tempting it is to ruminate over them.
Dredging up problems from the past will only complicate the situation at hand. Trying to prove past points is not only moot, but a recipe for failure. If the other party brings up past problems, shortcomings, or former poor attitudes, be vigilant in making a smooth shift back to the facts and data regarding the current situation. Some venting and fuming over past incidents is to be expected. However, until the current issues are essentially agreed upon, progress toward a current plan of action will stall.
One positive technique to resolve conflict in its initial stages is the “When You Do____ , I/We Feel” statement. This means commenting on how you feel when the other party engages in a specific behavior or activity. It reduces the potential for the other party to feel attacked or accused. In other words, you state the facts in terms of how their actions affect your feelings and not by assigning blame. For example:
Example A. CORRECT: "When you do system A instead of system B, we feel that quality is compromised." (Statement of fact)
Example B: INCORRECT: "When you use system A instead of system B, quality is compromised." (Blame)
When you don’t use the word "I" or "we", the statement essentially puts the other party on the defensive (Example B). In one case, you are honestly stating your feelings about poor quality. In the other case, you are blaming them for poor quality. The last thing you want is to put the other party on the defensive in the early stages of conflict management. Remember, they can just as easily get your defenses up. Blaming will result in a stalled negotiation, if not worse, and will reinforce the past negative feelings that you are attempting to overcome.
Try this attitude and technique sometime in a simple, neutral situation-you might be surprised with the results.
Ian
Labels: conflict, conflict management, conflict resolution
2 Comments:
Thank you Dr. Glickman for providing the motivation for me to handle a conflictual situation I'm currently having at work. Although relatively small, the present confict I'm having is causing me a good deal of stress, not to mention a decrease in productivity due to the inefficiency of the system into which I've been thrust. Your post on confict resolution reminded me to put the emotional component aside--as this was from past frustration and not facilitating a solution to the current issue at hand. Thanks again.
I really liked your writing style. You are teaching some very important concepts in a way that makes it fun to learn. I like your sense of humor and would like to see even more of it.
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